why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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