i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
