Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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