pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize