when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
