I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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