I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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