Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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