Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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