so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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