I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Betty ford says i'm here all night
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
