My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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