Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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