Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
