Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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