I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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