what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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