drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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