Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
