I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
