No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
