laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
