Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The best revenge is premature balding
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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