I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize