I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
