just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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