Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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