I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
