Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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