my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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