i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
