So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
