Hey man sorry I got all grabby
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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