why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
