i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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