Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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