3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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