i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
