she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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