Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
