im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
