I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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