I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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