I wish life had little blips of pornography
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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