Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
