so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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