Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
