I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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