if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
how can u be prego again
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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