Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
