Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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