After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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