i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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