i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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