i was rollin on her like bob the builder
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
