i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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