shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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