I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
