Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize